The Birth and Triumph of Madeline Alice

Two mornings after Madeline was born, I was in a hospital room on the general patient floor, shivering. I'd checked out against medical advice the night before because my husband called to say our baby was dying. I'd only seen her for a second, and I couldn't let her pass without me. She stabilized after I arrived at the hospital she'd been transferred to (the one I'd delivered at didn't have the high-level NICU she required), and it was only then I let myself feel the physical pain that came with an emergency c-section after ten weeks of bed rest. I had to go back to the hospital for pain management and observation. Unfortunately, for reasons still unknown to me, I couldn't return to the postpartum wing.

The nurses on the general level were not prepared for a woman in my condition. When I buzzed for pain medicine, it took them 45 minutes to respond. A nun who came to bless me (it's a Catholic hospital) got more than she bargained for when I burst into tears and asked her to pray for my baby. Even if I hadn't gotten the call, I knew I couldn't stay on that floor any longer.

I was forcing myself to walk, so I could start the healing process and be well enough to go to Madeline's hospital. My mom, who was with me, had left my room to find a nurse about those pain meds. My cell phone rang, and it was Mike:

Heather. When are you coming? The doctors said Madeline isn't going to make it. Babies with her problems rarely come back. Are you coming?

I hung up with him and said to the emptiness, today is the day my baby dies...soon I will no longer be a mother. I decided she would be buried with my grandmother, her namesake. I finalized her funeral in those moments I was alone, the moments that felt like hours.

My OB discharged me, and as I stumbled past her she said, "if you don't need to breast feed, bind your chest and use ice packs." Her words were ice cold, cutting through me. So thoughtless and uncaring, but they made me feel when I had been so numb.

My memory of the four mile car ride to the hospital is lost, but I remember arriving. My mom had to drop me off to park her car, so I had to make my way to the NICU alone. It was the most I'd walked in ten weeks, but I was determined to ignore the pulling of my incision and the bleeding in my uterus. I brushed by my in-laws and walked right into the NICU to my daughter's isolette. I stood next to my husband and took his hand. I didn't expect to see my little daughter alive. I felt heavy. I wondered if I would sob.

She didn't look tiny. Her body was swollen from the medications pumped into her bloodstream through what remained of her umbilical cord. I stared at her cord and cursed my body for failing her. I prayed my husband would forgive me.

The nurses and doctors spoke to me, but all I could hear was the hum of the high frequency oscillator giving her 500 breaths per minute, and the alarms. The alarms that meant she was dying. I looked around, and all I saw were faces. All looking at us, but none making eye contact. They all knew she was going to die. The other parents were told leave the NICU. Never a good sign.

The night before, I'd been told not to speak to Madeline because preemies can't handle too much stimulus. That morning, I didn't care. I started whispering to her, even though I was far away.

Mommy's here, Maddie. Please be strong. You can do this. You are the bravest person I know. Please be strong for your mommy. She needs you.

Mike and I stood there for moments, hours, minutes. Her vital numbers improved. The doctors and nurses heaved sighs and sat, exhausted. The other parents trickled back in. We didn't dare hope, we kept holding our breath. Six months later, we still haven't exhaled.

The internet is so amazing, the endless possibilities at your fingertips. Once I had a name for the reason I was on bed rest, I spent the remainder of my pregnancy with my hands on the keyboard. I sought answers, odds, and facts before Madeline was born. After her birth, I needed stories. I needed to know how people got through it. That's when I found a whole community of women grappling with loss and the fear of the unknown.

Many of the sites I visit have experienced the loss that slipped through our fingers. I was commenting on one today, and I was struggling to find the right words. I sat back for a moment and tried to consider why I was compelled to comment in the first place. Her words were beautiful and moving, why did I think that I, as the mother of a survivor, could say anything that would make her feel better? Yet, her story was haunting. It was almost me. But it wasn't. By some miracle, my baby survived. Why was I the lucky one? Why not her? I realized then I have major survivor guilt.

I'm writing all this because, as time stretches on, the details of those early days and weeks get dim. I never want to relive that fear, but I never want to forget it. Not that I ever could. I also hope that revisiting this will help me deal with the guilt I feel. The world is so random. I will never know why our baby survived where others don't. I can't change the outcome but I hope that I can comfort those who suffer. I ache for them. I touched their loss. I briefly let it envelop me when I walked into the NICU on the day my baby was supposed to die.

I will try not to feel guilty anymore.

The Hospital at Night

When the hectic hospital day gives way to night, most normal people succumb to the fatigue they've been fighting off for hours. I have that fatigue, but I find it almost impossible to fall asleep. When I was in the hospital on bed rest only five months ago, I would turn up the monitor on Maddie's heartbeat with the hope it would drown out my thoughts. I had so much fear then, I would have to block out everything to manage a mere 40 minutes of sleep - I would try to ignore the squirming baby in my belly and let the swishing of her heartbeat lull me into a trance. Just when I'd be nodding off, Maddie would shift and her heartbeat would fall off the monitor, and the silence would jar me into a state of panic. "She's laying on her cord!" I'd think, "the doctors' predictions have finally come true, and something has happened and my baby has died." A nurse would almost always come in at that point and find Maddie on the monitor again, but the terror that would grip me during those moments of silence will never leave me.

There isn't ever silence in the pediatric unit. A few nights ago, a baby was laughing with unrestrained glee into the wee hours. The night before that, a child was crying out in pain and frustration. Right now, I am listening to the familiar gurgle of Maddie's humidified oxygen, but I'm also hearing the gurgle in her chest with each breath. Occasionally, an alarm goes off on her monitor, her blood oxygen saturation has dropped below acceptable levels. I can also hear another monitor going off down the hall, and the commotion in the nurses' station as they rush to that room. We've been around hospitals long enough to know that sound - someone's heart has stopped. Hopefully it's a false alarm, but I find myself reflexively looking at Maddie's monitor every few seconds to assure myself that it is not, in fact, her heart that has stopped. I can't help but think about the parents of the child attached to that monitor. They're feeling frightened, like the room has run out of air, and time is spiraling out of control. When I close my eyes, I'm transported back to first night I saw Maddie. I had checked out of the hospital against medical advise only 26 hours after my C-Section because I was told my daughter was going to die at a hospital three miles away. The alarms going off were overwhelming, the pitch of their beeps piercing. I won't ever forget whispering to her, "be strong baby, mommy is here," only to be told, "don't talk to her right now, her senses are overloaded and she needs to focus all her energy on living." I never want anyone else to feel like I did at that moment.

The hospital at night can really mess with you. I wish I could turn up a heart monitor on Maddie again, and drown out everything but the sound of her life.

Day Sixteen

Another day, another scare. I woke up around 6 am to some serious belly sensitivity. I went to bathroom, and after I got back in bed a nurse came in to see how I was. I told her about my belly and she said, "we've been waiting for you to call us about that." I am on a couple different monitors at all times - one is for the baby's heart rate, and the other is monitoring contractions and uterine irritability. The nurses can watch my monitors at their station down the hall. Apparently, they'd watched me have contractions while I slept, which was how they knew I was going to wake up not feeling great. The nurse checked my vitals and then felt around on my belly - it did not feel good. So she told me to make sure I let them know if there were any changes with how I felt, and let me try to sleep for a little while longer. With the stomach pain and the dark pink/light red amniotic fluid, I wasn't able to get any meaningful sleep. I called Mike later in the morning and told him to come down so he'd be here when my doctors arrived.

My specialist arrived first. He did an ultrasound and found right away that my stomach was tender when he tried to push down with the sonogram wand. My wince of pain concerned him enough that he, too, decided to push around on my stomach with his hands to see if he could feel anything. He's worried that I'm starting to show the early signs of infection. Luckily, everything on the ultrasound looked good as far as Madeline goes, and her heart rate is strong and steady. He ordered daily blood tests (OH GOODY) to check my white blood cell count. If the white cells are up, that is an indicator of infection. He then said that if I don't have an infection, my body is making the transition towards labor. The hope is that the transition will take a little while and I can hold off labor for a little while longer. He said that it will be pretty obvious in the next few days how soon labor will be here. My OB came not long after my specialist left, and she echoed his diagnosis and went over a few scenarios with us about Madeline's birth. After SHE left, my nurse came in to tell my that my white count wasn't elevated. So, the good news is that I'm not infected yet. The bad news is that everything is still totally unknown. So frustrating.

Today was also the day of parent visits. Kathy and Tony came by again, as did my parents. We all hung out together for a little while, then Mike and his parents left to go back to our house (a new washing machine was being delivered), and my parents went to a football watching party and to pick up my brother at the airport. My parents eventually came back to watch the second half of the USC football game with me before they picked up Rigby and went back to their house. Rigby will be staying with them for the next few days, chasing rabbits and squirrels in their backyard. It's like doggy summer camp!

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Cream of Wheat, biscuit sandwich with eggs and sausage, decaf coffee, milk
Lunch: Macaroni and cheese, broccoli, milk
Snack: Graham crackers, milk
OUTSIDE FOOD
More carnitas tacos from Baja Fresh! YUM!!!

A Few Things For The Room

I've been the happy recipient of a few more gifts here that I wanted to post pictures of.

Beautiful flowers from Bella and Steve:


Trojan spirit from Jackie and Christy:


A cookie bouquet from Brian and Sheila...that unfortunately arrived literally three minutes after I was told I have The Diabetes. Mike enjoyed the cookies! I watched.


My Aunt Kathy & Uncle Bill sent up Spunky. Spunky is to keep me company in the hospital until the baby arrives, then she is all Maddie's.


Thanks to everyone!!!

Day Fifteen

It appears, thank goodness, that The Diabetes can be controlled by diet. YAY. By removing the few things that tasted good from my diet, my blood sugar is hovering between 90 and 110 (it needs to be below 120). So my OB said today that I only have to test my blood sugar twice a day. Double yay! The finger pricking isn't too painful - it's all about where on your finger you stick yourself. The nurses have shown me that the side of the end of the finger is best because the nerves aren't right there, and it still bleeds enough to get a proper reading. Still, I'm glad I only have to go through it twice a day. The nutritionist also taught me how to count carbs and all that, so I can finally eat outside food. Physical therapy STILL didn't come. My doctor was pretty pissed about that, so hopefully she busted some ass and I'll get my therapy next week. My specialists should be coming by this weekend, so we'll get another measurement of Madeline's growth.

I had some fun visitors today!!! Diane and her adorable daughter Meghan came by to see me this morning. Meghan was born at the end of August. Because of work and other things, I wasn't able to go visit Diane and Meghan right away, and then I was put on bed rest! So today was the first time I met Meghan. She is such a little cutie! It was so great to visit with Diane and cuddle her little baby - it helped remind me what I'm doing this all for! Soon, Maddie and Meghan will be crawling around, playing and cooing. But hopefully not TOO soon, Maddie needs to stay in and cook a little while longer. Diane also brought Madeline the adorable little "Worth The Wait" onesie that is at the beginning of the entry. I have it hanging at the top of the bed near my head, reminding me that as much as I want to get out of this damn hospital bed, there is someone at the end of this worth waiting for! Good motivational work there, Diane! Mike and his parents also came by today. Mike is feeling better, although still not great, but he was up to visiting for a few hours with me and his parents. I feel so lucky that so many people have come to visit me. Mike's parents came all the way from Northern California!!! It makes me realize how lucky I am. So many people care about our little family, I am so grateful.

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: 1/2 portion Cream of Wheat, 1/2 biscuit sandwich with eggs and sausage, decaf coffee
Snack: low calorie no sugar yogurt
Lunch: Chicken salad that looked like barf, sugar free chocolate cake
Snack: Graham crackers, milk
OUTSIDE FOOD
Carnitas tacos from Baja Fresh! YUM!!!

Day Fourteen

Thank goodness, my migraine was pretty much gone when I woke up this morning. That was just too many days of headache for me. My nurses were very relieved that my migraine was gone, along with my low blood pressure. My night nurse told me last night that if those things didn't go away, I was probably going to have to go back on IV fluids. If only a nurse had told me that sooner! I swear as soon as I heard that my headache went away.

My OB came by and was happy to hear that my blood sugar levels were under control. She told my nurse that if my levels stay low, I won't have to test multiple times per day. YAY! My fingers look like pin cushions already. Good thing I'm not a hand model. My doctor also scheduled a massage from physical therapy for me. It was supposed to happen today (actually, it was supposed to happen yesterday, but with the headache it was pushed back), but no one showed. What a bunch of crap, right? So I'm going to complain tomorrow. I know, wah wah, no massage today, but I seriously NEED IT. I have never needed anything more in my life!!!

My mom was here with me today, and she gave me a great shoulder, head, and face rub to help ease my discomfort. We had a nice day visiting and relaxing. She also took a quick trip to Whole Foods to get me some Diabetes Approved snacks. Poor Mike, he is still feeling pretty sick, so he only came by for a quick visit. He spent most of the day either working on our house with his parents or resting. He looked and sounded much better than he did yesterday, so I'm hopeful that he'll be even better tomorrow.

I also had one other visitor today. Seeing her was great!

Yep, it's Rigby (ignore her creepy red eye)!!! My mom and Mike smuggled her in to see me by putting her in a back pack and zipping it up! I was sooo happy to see my little puppy. It's been a long two weeks without her.

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Cream of Wheat, 1/2 biscuit sandwich with eggs and sausage, milk
Snack: low calorie, no sugar yogurt
Lunch: 1/2 portion baked ziti, diet gelatin
Snack: Graham crackers, milk
Dinner: Honey glazed chicken, fresh fruit, milk
OUTSIDE FOOD
edamame

Day Thirteen

I could sum up my day in five words: Had migraine, slept all day. I had the worst headache, I pretty much laid low all day. I closed the curtains on my windows and pressed my hands into my eyes, hoping that when I'd wake up my headache would be gone. I have a feeling that would have worked if I'd actually gotten a solid stretch of sleep. Getting more than 45 minutes of sleep at a time is pretty much impossible around here. If it isn't my doctor coming in, it's a nurse, or a specialist, or the mail, you name it. The one welcome interruption came at the end of the day when Mike and his parents came. Kathy and Tony are in town to visit me and help Mike get our place ready for Maddie. It was nice to visit with them for a while, although I don't think I was much company thanks to my headache. Mike wasn't much company either as he has a terrible cold. He had to stay away from me today, only stopping in for a brief visit. He looked terrible, poor guy!!! Hopefully a good night's sleep will help him.

Today, in addition to my headache, was my first day dealing with The Diabetes. I was woken at 5 am for a vital check and fasting blood sugar test (which means it's checked before I eat). My nurse took my blood pressure and temperature, then asked me which finger I wanted her to test. After offering my middle finger (ha), she pressed this little device against the side of my finger, then pushed a little button. The device popped and pricked my finger, causing it to bleed. She then took that blood and put it on a test strip, then ran the strip through the machine. This whole process was repeated after every meal. My blood sugar came back normal after every test, yay. It gives me great hope that The Diabetes will be controllable by diet. Sure, it might be the grossest, milk heavy diet ever, but it's better than daily shots!

However, when there is good news, there is always something random wrong. In the morning, my blood pressure was really low. My nurse took it again on my other arm and got the same results - 89 over 53. So, of course, that doomed me to blood pressure checks ALL DAY. Throughout yesterday my blood pressure was extremely low. I kept joking with the nurses, "am I dead?" Luckily, it was never as low as it was in the morning, but I could actually tell the nurses were a bit concerned by it. They had me drink approximately 1,000 gallons of water, which seemed to make a difference. Not to my headache, mind you, but to my blood pressure. Nothing helps my migraines except the sweet release of death...which really isn't an option.

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Cream of Wheat, biscuit sandwich with eggs and sausage, milk
snack: low calorie, no sugar yogurt
Lunch: Tuna Salad plate, diet gelatin, milk
Dinner: Chicken, milk
OUTSIDE FOOD
Chicken dinner from Koo Koo Roo

Day Twelve

I was woken up at 6:30 to start my three-hour glucose tolerance test. I hadn't been allowed food for twelve hours (no biggie) but I hadn't been allowed any liquids since 11 pm last night. My mouth was sooooo dry by the time my nurse brought my sugar drink. First, she took a vial of blood so they could test my fasting blood sugar levels. Then I pounded the drink, which tasted like sprite, but warmer, thicker, and with less carbonation. At 7:30, 8:30, and 9:30, my nurses came back and drew more vials of blood. I ended up with four lovely puncture marks on my right arm, flanking the bruise that I got almost two weeks ago from a different blood draw. Good thing I'm not an arm model. The SECOND the last vial of blood was taken, I tore into my breakfast, which had been sitting there since 7:30, mocking me. I also drank an entire glass of water in about three seconds. Because I was so hungry and dehydrated, I was put on a contraction monitor. I had a few contractions but nothing major.

At 11:30 my nurse came back with the news. A normal blood sugar level is anything below 120. Mine were in the 160s and 170s. I failed again. I have The Gestational Diabetes. After that, it was a whirlwind of people in and out of my room - nurses, doctors, nutritionists, you name it. I have to adjust my diet - no sugar, very few carbs, and absolutely nothing fun. Mt blood sugar has to be tested four times a day - when I wake in the morning and an hour after every meal. A nurse comes and pricks one of my fingers, and then we put the blood on a little test strip and run it through a machine. My doctor isn't that concerned. Because I've been in the hospital, we literally caught it right away. And, since it's the kind of diabetes that comes with pregnancy, she is confident it will go away after Maddie is born. Still, it's a pain. Eating during this pregnancy hasn't been the easiest thing for me, but there were a few things I could always eat that could help me with my calories. All those things are pretty much out!!! No more ice cream, cookies, candy, etc. You know, the things that make life worth living, ha. The hope at the moment is that my diet will be able to control my blood sugar. If not, I'll need insulin shots. Let's hope it doesn't come to that! My new diet starts tomorrow.

I've had a pretty bad headache all day...actually, I've had a headache for the last three days, but in the last few hours it's gotten worse. So I am going to try to sleep, I promise to email everyone who emailed me today when I am feeling better.

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Raisin Bran, Cream of Wheat, Orange Juice, decaf coffee
Lunch: Roast turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes, cookies
Dinner: Lasagna, fruit cup, water
OUTSIDE FOOD
edamame

Day Eleven

Well, I had my gestational diabetes test today. I had to drink a sugary drink (it tasted like orange soda), and then I couldn't have anything to eat or drink during the course of the test. After a certain amount of time had passed, the nurse came in to draw my blood. She poked my arm three different times until she finally hit a vein. I was not pleased. During the fasting period, my nurse and her assistant took my vitals seriously a million times. I don't know if that is standard or if there was some sort of communication error there or what. All I know is that it was super disruptive and I was hungry and thirsty! I couldn't believe how dry my mouth was by the time I was allowed some water. Blech. I wasn't expecting to hear anything for a few days, but apparently things move faster when you're actually IN the hospital. My OB came by around 2 and told me I'd "failed" my test. She was quick to point out that while this didn't necessarily mean I have diabetes, I would have to be retested with a much more elaborate test tomorrow morning. So I will be woken early, around 5 or so, and have blood taken. Then I will drink the orange soda again, and then my blood will be taken once an hour for three hours, for a total of four blood draws. Thank goodness my nurse for the majority of this test is the same nurse that gave me my IV. She is very gentle and I know she won't just poke around on my arm until she finds a vein. Hopefully, everything will be okay. It goes without saying that Mike and I don't really need something else to deal with.

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Raisin Bran, Cream of Wheat, Orange Juice, decaf coffee
Lunch: Herb roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, iced tea, apple cobbler
Dinner: Country style pot roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, chocolate mousse, iced tea
OUTSIDE FOOD
none - staying away from the sweets today

Day Ten

Did I really say yesterday that the time is going fast? I take that back! That was obviously Daylight Savings talking. Now that we're back to standard time, I can already tell that the days are going to drag. I had a nice morning today, though. My parents stopped in on their way home from a flea market. They spent some time with me, then went by my house to take Rigby for a few days. Right after they left, Christy and Jackie came to visit again! Jackie brought Madeline an adorable bootie/hat/blanket set. I can't wait to put them on her.

After the girls left, Mike came and we rested. I'd had a rough night so I was really feeling the need to sleep. Of course, I can never sleep more than 40 minutes before I have to change positions - my back and hips are destroyed from my prone position. Then, when I change positions, the baby also moves, slipping off her heart monitor. So then a nurse comes in to find her again. It's a vicious cycle. Tomorrow I have my glucose screening and tolerance test. I have to drink a sugary drink, then have blood taken to see how my body reacts to it. This will determine if I have gestational diabetes. It's a standard test administered to all pregnant women around this time, so it's not like my doctor has suspicions or anything!

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Raisin Bran, Cream of Wheat, Orange Juice, decaf coffee
Lunch: Herb roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, iced tea, apple cobbler
OUTSIDE FOOD
Omelet Fresco from Bread and Porridge

Day Nine

As Mike so eloquently put it below, Madeline has been measured and is estimated to be around two pounds, 13 ounces. How do they know that? Well, my OB was here early this afternoon with the sonogram machine. After checking my fluid levels, she measured the baby's head, abdomen, and femur. Based on the measurements, there is some sort of formula all OBs use that helps them estimate the weight. Estimate being the key word there. She could weigh more, and she could weight less. It's weird to think I have three pounds of baby moving around in there. I don't FEEL like there is something that heavy in my stomach, although I'm not exactly walking around noticing that sort of thing. But, when she kicks or stretches her legs out, I definitely feel her strength! So maybe three pounds is about right.

There was other good news from the doctor. My fluid levels hadn't decreased, and while my white blood cell count was up, it wasn't higher than it had been in the past. A high white blood cell count indicates infection, although most pregnant women have higher WBC counts than average (a normal count is below 10,000). Mine was at 14,000. It's never been higher than that, although it has been as low as 12,000. So an eye will be kept on that, but unless the elevated numbers also accompany a raised temperature and heart rate from me and the baby, I most likely don't have an infection. I also stopped taking antibiotics yesterday, so I will be finding out what the next course of action is tomorrow or Monday.

Mike and I also toured the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit today. I got to sit in a wheelchair and leave my room for the first time since I checked in. I was happy to finally really see the maternity floor since when we arrived last Thursday night I wasn't really paying attention to anything. My nurse escorted us to the NICU and introduced us to a few of the nurses that work in there. One of the nurses showed us an incubator and all the different machines they use to help the babies that require their care. I'm very glad we were able to see the unit BEFORE Madeline is in there. We were able to take it all in and ask lots of questions, and I think we're both feeling good about the place. It's very high tech and the nurses are really nice and attentive. Before our tour, they'd discharged a little girl who'd been in the NICU for 63 days. She was born at 28 weeks, which is what I'll be on Monday. Of course, the longer Madeline waits to be born, the less time she'll have to spend in the NICU. I am more than willing to be in the hospital if it cuts down on the time she'll have to spend here.

As if that wasn't enough excitement for the day, I had a lot more! Christy and Jackie came to visit me before they went to the USC homecoming game, and they brought my room some fun USC decorations. They brought homecoming to me! While they were here, my doctor came by, and Catherine, an emergency room nurse here in the hospital who I also grew up with! Catherine is finishing her nursing training so she's rotating out to different hospitals; she's currently in Long Beach learning about being a labor and delivery nurse. But, she still works here on the weekends so she's going to see me whenever she's here. I hadn't seen Catherine in a long time so it was fun to catch up with her. After they all left, my whole family came to hang out with Mike and me. First it was my parents and Aunt Lynn, then later Kyle, Leah, and Ted came over. We watched the USC game, ate yummy food, and also celebrated my mom's birthday. It was great to spend so much time with everyone. It's hard to believe I've already been here nine days. The time is actually going pretty fast.

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Raisin Bran, Cream of Wheat, Orange Juice, decaf coffee
Lunch: Macaroni and cheese, broccoli, iced tea, lemon poppy seed muffin
OUTSIDE FOOD
Spinach dip, cherry tomato bites, Buca di Beppo

Day Eight

There was a bit of craziness last night after I posted for the day. I got up to use the bathroom and lost a lot of amniotic fluid. And, to top it off, it was tinged pink (it's usually amber colored). The night nurse didn't seem too concerned about it, but as she helped me clean up myself and my bed I just felt things weren't right. This nurse was probably the least...interested...nurse I've had since I've been here. She just said, "oh yeah, it's got some blood in it, we'll just keep our eye on things." Um, what? It has some BLOOD IN IT? I don't know about you, nurse, but when blood comes out of me, it's not usually good. She didn't do a good job of reassuring me at all, so I didn't sleep well. I was afraid to change positions or take a deep breath or move in general. I laid there most of the night staring at the monitor that Madeline's heart is on, making sure she didn't go into distress. And, that nurse came in exactly once during the night, at 5 am to give me my morning pills. Thanks for keeping an eye on things. So, this morning, as you can imagine, my nerves were pretty much shot. When my day nurse arrived I showed her my towels and sheets and she was SO much better about calming me down. She seemed to "get" that I hadn't a) lost that much fluid at once before, and b) that it had changed in appearance. She assured me that she'd talk to the doctor about it, and also let me know that it still looked normal and that she thought it would be okay. Poor Mike through all of this, he was great trying to assure me things were going to be okay. You have to understand...obviously this whole thing has been really scary, but for me, as long as things were status quo I felt like there was some control to it all. But to lose so much fluid at once, and have it be a different color than I was used to, sort of pushed me to the edge. My OB came by and was as even-keeled as always, but ordered a bunch of tests to make sure there wasn't an infection or anything else wrong. I was supposed to have a sonogram to measure my amniotic fluid levels and check my placenta to make sure it hasn't started to pull away from my uterine lining, but that was postponed until tomorrow. I haven't heard the results of the tests, I have to assume that everything is okay because of that, but you never know with these things. My OB is coming back tomorrow morning so I'm sure she'll go over everything with us then.

Mike and I were supposed to tour the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit today, but that was also postponed. It sounds weird to say I'm looking forward to going to the NICU, but I am. I think it will be less overwhelming for us to see the place before Maddie has to stay there, not to mention it will finally get me out of this room that I've spent the last eight days in. I really hope I can get to a point where maybe every now and then I can get in a wheelchair and be taken around the floor, although I'm not really counting on it and don't want to do anything that the doctors think would be a bad idea.

Mike was with me for last night and most of the day. Once all my tests were done or delayed he headed home to take care of a few things. He brought me some dinner and now he is at his fun night of basketball and music. He's called me a couple times and it sounds like he's really enjoying myself. He got the crazy hot dog he'd wanted, and although the Clippers were dismantling the Warriors, I think he had fun at that part of the evening. Now he's sitting only a few dozen feet away from Neil Young in a brand new theatre, which must be pretty cool. I'm so glad that everything worked out for him to be able to go. He really deserves a fun night.


HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Raisin Bran, Cream of Wheat, Breakfast Quiche, Orange Juice, Carnation instant breakfast protein shake
Lunch: Classic vegetable beef stew, biscuit, baked custard, nutritional Jell-O
OUTSIDE FOOD
Chex Mix, two cheese enchiladas with rice and beans from El Cholo

Day Seven

I had another night of being woken to change positions. On top of that, I was extremely nauseous, most likely from an unfavorable mix of my different medications and vitamins. My poor nurse was in here all night, trying to keep me cool and comfortable. Luckily, I felt better this morning. Every morning at 5 a nurse comes in to check my vitals (blood pressure, temperature, heart beat) and give me my morning medicines. After all that I'm awake for a while, but I usually fall back to sleep until 8:30. This morning, however, my day nurse walked in with my breakfast tray and chirped, "GOOD MORNING" to my sleeping body. OH IS IT?! There is nothing like having the crap scared out of you to totally mess you up for the rest of the day. I felt so tired...not that that's anything new, but I could feel it in my bones. You'd think that being so tired would lead me to nap all day. Yet, I did not. I just can't get into a sleep pattern here. Maybe it will come eventually.

Christy was in the area this morning for work, so she stopped by to visit for a bit, and then came back later in the evening before another appointment! So, fun for me. Mike and my mom came by in the morning, then Mike left my mom with me for some girl time. It's nice to be able to hang out with my visitors and give Mike some time away from the hospital. He has his life on hold, too! He's back here now and we're just relaxing and catching up on the day while we watch TV.

My OB took the protein thing to the next level. This morning on my breakfast tray was a container of vanilla pudding. Sounds harmless enough. But then I noticed that it said "Nutritional Pudding" on the label, so I looked at my breakfast receipt and written in on my food order was "Protein Pudding." Since I obviously want to do whatever I can to help the baby, I tore into that pudding...and almost vomited. It was soooo sweet and thick, and yet somehow, piecey and chalky. It took every ounce of willpower to choke half of it down before I gagged so much I was afraid I'd start having contractions. So you can imagine my excitement when I saw "Nutritional Jell-O" on my plate at lunch. I took an experimental bite and it managed to taste both wet AND dry at the same time. Luckily, I have some history with swallowing Jell-O without chewing, so I got the whole container down. Unfortunately, I had to deal with some "Nutritional Custard" at dinner. Chunky, chalky, and a disturbing shade of yellow. Gee, I can't wait for tomorrow's meals!

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Raisin Bran, Cream of Wheat, Sausage Egg Sandwich, Orange Juice, nutritional pudding
Lunch: Baked Ziti, bread roll, iced tea, peach cobbler, nutritional Jell-O
Dinner: Honey glazed chicken, potatoes, iced tea, bread pudding with vanilla sauce
OUTSIDE FOOD
McDonald's French Fries!!!

Day Six

Well, my prediction was true, and it was a long night of being disturbed to change positions. My nurses watch Madeline's heart rate on a monitor out in their station, and if it's too high or too low for too long, they need to do something. Nine times out of ten, I just need to change positions to adjust the way the blood is flowing. Hopefully I'll never have the situation where she's in actual distress, because then I'd most likely have to deliver her. So, while it's definitely disruptive to me to have to change positions every hour, it makes a difference to her so I do it.

Mike came by twice for a few hours each time. Our dog is at home so he can't stay the night when she's around, but it's nice that he can come by at different points during the day. When he was gone, I mostly rested or had doctors and nurses come by. My OB is concerned with my protein levels...I don't really know what that means in the long run, but every day my meals are totally loaded with meat. Blech. I just keep things interesting for my doctors. I took my daily shower and I was dismayed with how quickly I tired out from just a simple five minutes of standing. My doctor said I'm probably going to need physical therapy after Madeline arrives to help me get my strength back. Who knew laying down for nine weeks would be so debilitating?

In all, it was pretty mellow for me on Halloween, although the labor and delivery floor was bumping, according to my nurses. The floor was full of ladies in active labor who were PISSED about having a baby on Halloween. While I didn't want a Halloween baby either (for different reasons), I think a Halloween birthday would be cool. Think about the fun birthday parties! Of course, Halloween is my all-time favorite holiday so I'm a little biased. If Madeline is born before Thanksgiving, she will have to suffer many Halloween-themed birthday parties.

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Raisin Bran, Sausage Egg Sandwich, Decaf Coffee, Orange Juice
Lunch: Tuna salad plate (yes, even for a pregnant lady), roll, chocolate cake, iced tea
Dinner: Smoked turkey and provolone sub, lemon bar, iced tea
OUTSIDE FOOD
Halloween candy

Day Five

Another day down!!! Mike stayed over in my room last night, and then hit the road around 11. My mom and Aunt Lynn arrived around noon bearing lots of baked goods for my nurses - gotta get in good with the people that run this place!!! I also have lots of Halloween decorations now so I'm ready for tomorrow. My mom and aunt hung out with me all day. They gave me a manicure and rubbed my feet, and helped take my mind off it all. My OB stopped by and authorized the removal of my IV port, which was a big relief. I sit here watching all the news about the staph infections in hospitals, so I didn't exactly want this open access to my blood stream if it wasn't necessary anymore!!! My OB also approved daily showers, which was obviously a huge deal for me and anyone who has to get close to me. Dana, Matt, and Leslie also came by bearing gifts. Dana brought me yummy cupcakes from Dots, while Matt and Leslie brought a balloon and a mini pumpkin. My hospital room is just full of goodies.

My nurses have been in and out for the last hour. The baby's heart beat has been all over the place, so they keep having me change positions to make sure her cord isn't being leaned on. I have a feeling it's going to be a long night.

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Raisin Bran, Sausage Egg Sandwich, Decaf Coffee, Orange Juice
Lunch: Turkey, stuffing, gravy, bread roll, iced tea, oatmeal cookies
Dinner: Lasagna, herb bread stick, iced tea, orange sherbert
OUTSIDE FOODHalloween candy, Violet Crumble from my Aunt Lynn, Dots Cupcakes from Dana

Day Four

Today, the best thing happened. I was allowed to shower. I knew that a shower was going to make me feel good, but I didn't realize what a total mood elevator it would be!!! I feel like a new person...and I smell like one, too. Happiness is a warm shower.

My day started with the typical visit from the nurse to check my vital statistics - temperature, blood pressure, heart rate, and contractions. I'm on a contraction monitor a few hours a day just to be certain I'm not having them without knowing it. Then the nurse checked the baby's heart rate and gave me my medicine, and it was a pill instead of a bag of fluid. I was almost afraid to ask, but the nurse knew what I was going to ask anyway, and confirmed that yes, I was off IV fluids and antibiotics, and as soon as my doctor said it was okay, my IV would be removed. YAY!!! The rest of the morning I anxiously waited for my doc to swing by. When she did, she said that the IV could be removed as long as they left in the port. So, basically, I am no longer attached to the IVs, but there is still an access line to my veins should they need it. However, I should be getting that removed in a few days as well. With the IV lines removed, I could finally shower.

Mike and I also met with a Neonatologist (a pediatrician for preemies), who went over different scenarios with us. She was great, she let us know what to expect and she told me that I have to stay pregnant for at least three more weeks. I like goals!! Of course, if I am still pregnant in three weeks, I'm sure she'll come back and tell me "three more weeks!" My OB swung back around at lunch to check my amniotic fluid level (still at about 4), and then a physical therapist came by to give me some simple exercises I can do in my bed to help prevent blood clots and total muscle atrophy. It felt good to stretch my sore, tired muscles, and I was relieved to know that it was actually OKAY to stretch my sore, tired muscles! I've been so afraid to do anything.

Brianne came by to visit me again and brought some pretty flowers and yummy chocolate. She got to sit through some of my doctor meetings, which I'm sure were quite thrilling for her!!! Christy came by after dinner with more pretty flowers, my room is a regular flower shop! I'll post my flower pictures tomorrow. I also got many more phone calls, which cheer me up so much - it's like everyone knows when I start to feel a bit down. In all, it was a good day, all the nurses and doctors seem to be impressed with how Madeline is responding to everything. She has a strong heartbeat, keeps growing, and is kicking around all the time. Maybe the medical staff is putting on a brave face for me, although I don't get that impression. I am encouraged by the way the baby and I keep on surprising everyone.

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Raisin Bran, Sausage Egg Sandwich, Decaf Coffee, Orange Juice
Lunch: No lunch (felt nauseous from my antibiotics switch)
Dinner: Chicken Noodle Soup, Pot Roast, mashed potatoes, gravy, chocolate mousse
OUTSIDE FOOD
Belgian chocolate from Brianne

Day Three

Another day down! Today is the conclusion of my 27th week of pregnancy. Tomorrow we start day one of week 28, yay! Every day is a victory. My next goal is making it to the end of the 28th week.

I had a busy morning of visitors. Tara, my Uncle John, Aunt Terry, cousin Leah, and my mom came by to hang out with Mike and me. It really is so nice to have visits from people, although I love the phone calls and emails so much as well. It's all about the day being broken into segments. I am really tied to my bed here, at least at home I could get up and walk around (even though I wasn't supposed to). Here, I have things keeping me in bed - my IV, the baby's heart monitor, and my newest acquisition, my compression boots!!! These are the best things ever. When I was admitted to the hospital, my doctor originally had me wear compression hose - think thigh-high thick white stockings, SUPER tight, like I was trying to fit into tights I wore in fourth grade. The point of the compression hose is to help prevent blood clots. Pregnant women are already at risk for blood clots, so with my immobility on top of that AND the fact that I already had two big blood clots in my uterus, I'm like ultimate blood clot risk. Even so, I begged my doctor to let me take the hose off. They were hot and itchy and tight, and they were giving me shooting pains. Well, ask and you shall receive! I told my doctor how terrible they were making me feel and she said I could switch to compression "boots." If you look at the picture above, you see what they look like. Now imagine the blue parts alternately filling with air. I am constantly getting a leg massage!!! They feel amazing. They are just as hot as the hose, but not itchy. And, they are easily removable! Okay, not really. But I like to pretend.

Mike and I hung out this evening, had dinner, and watched the final World Series game. Well played, Boston! I'm not happy about Gagne and Drew getting rings, though. Tomorrow is a big day for me. I'll be done with my IV antibiotics (the antibiotics are helping me stave off infection), so I will be able to have my IV removed. And then, the best part - I will get to take a shower!!! Nope, I haven't showered since I arrived. I've had sponge baths, though. They help, but there is nothing like a hot shower. I haven't been allowed to shower because the first few days after revceiving steroid shots are very critical, and my doctors didn't want to do ANYTHING to trigger labor. I'm down with that, of course, but I'm really sick of my nasty hair and natural aroma.

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Raisin Bran, Sausage Egg Sandwich, Bacon, Decaf Coffee, Orange Juice
Lunch: Ham & Cheese sandwich on rye, fresh roll with jam, apple cobbler, Iced tea
Dinner: Sweeish meatballs with egg noodles, fresh roll, ice cream, iced tea
OUTSIDE FOOD
Home made macaroons from my aunt, fresh pumpkin bread from Tara, cold bacon

I almost forgot

I failed to mention previously the special visitor I had:



I was alone in my room when I saw something moving out of the corner of my left eye. Considering I am on the fourth floor of the hospital, I cautiously moved my eyes to the window, only to happily discover my Sea Gull friend!!! He stayed at the window for about 10 minutes, watching TV with me. Come back, gull friend!

Day Two

My second day is over and it’s been interesting. I had visits from one of my perinatologists and from my OB, and lots of nurses. The baby just does NOT want her heart rate monitored. The perinatologist determined that the amniotic fluid is around 4, which is what it was when this all started. His theory is that it’s always been at 4, but sometimes the umbilical cord can look like fluid. Kind of a bummer to hear that the positive progress we thought we were making is actually false. But, she is still growing in there and producing more fluid, so we’re just hoping she can benefit from it before it leaks out. The specialist thought that her chest cavity looked okay from most angles, but it occasionally looked tapered. That means that there is a possibility her lungs aren’t quite developing as they should (which we already knew), but the doc was quick to point out that the low fluid can impact the way sonograms work. Her lungs are our biggest fear. The doctors are cautiously optimistic considering how far we’ve come, so we hope that things can still keep going well. So Mike and I are going to keep on keeping on, we’ll do whatever it takes for our daughter. Anyway, because of her low fluid, her heart rate will constantly be monitored. When there is low amniotic fluid, odds go up that the baby can go into distress. When there is a lot of amniotic fluid, the umbilical cord floats. When there is low fluid, the baby can lay on her own cord, cutting off her circulation. Lots to worry about. But we put that in the back of our minds.

Today Catherine surprised me with a morning visit, followed by my parents. We listend to the USC game on the radio as I don’t get Fox Sports Network on my TV here. Bummer! But it’s probably for the best since we stunk the game up. Mike came back in the evening to bring some dinner and Leah was here as well. The visits are great, they really help me get through the day in small bits. It’s hard for me to adjust to the pace of the hospital and all the poking and prodding, but I just have to remind myself that it’s all for the best. Hopefully the baby will stay on the heart monitor for most of the night, or I will be woken every time they come to find it. That will not make for a good night’s sleep.

HOSPITAL FOOD
Breakfast: Raisin Bran, Griddle Cakes, Decaf Coffee, Orange Juice
Lunch: Macaroni and Cheese, Steamed Broccoli, Fruit Cup, Iced tea
Dinner: Vegetable Soup, Rice, Summer Squash
OUTSIDE FOOD
Baskin Robbins Chocolate Chip Milk Shake, Kung Pao Shrimp, a black and white cookie from a deli in Brooklyn- thanks Kyle!!! My favorite New York cookie.

Ouch

I just had my second shot. Not fun.