6.08.2008

Mother of the Year

Madeline has started giggling outrageously whenever she thinks something is funny. The best part is that she laughs at the appropriate times. Like, just a minute ago, Mike farted, and she thought it was the funniest thing in the world. Me, I just don't get the humor in farts. She also laughs when I tell her jokes. If I'd known she'd be such an easy audience I would have had her a lot sooner.

Her laugh is like chocolate chex, I just can't get enough. This morning, I was making her dance. You know, making her clap, wave her hands, etc. She was in the middle of the best giggle of all time when I moved her hand across her face (Come on, Vogue...VOGUE!), and she gouged a chunk of skin out of the bridge of her nose with an errant thumb nail. Oh, the wailing and the crocodile tears. I felt like crap. Not only did I neglect her fingernail upkeep, but then I forced her to stab herself.

I scooped her up and carried her toward her nursery so I could calm her down and clean up THE BLOOD. When I walked through the door to her room, she threw her little arm out and grabbed the door jam. I didn't see this, of course, so her arm got wrenched back and OH the wailing and the crocodile tears.

Her first successful thumb suckI had to get some wipes for THE BLOOD and the nail clippers for her talons, so I laid her in the crib while I gathered my supplies. After I grabbed the wipes bag, I realized she wasn't crying. I peered over the edge of her crib and saw her sucking her thumb. It's so cute I could die. I softly said, "aaaawwwww," but apparently she has bionic hearing, because she jumped out of her skin, and in the process managed to cut the inside of her lip with her devil thumb nail. Babies' mouths bleed a lot. Just sayin'.

After I managed to clean up and calm down Maddie, I sat down in her rocking chair. IRigby hides from her abusive owner lifted my right foot to cross my legs...and kicked the dog square in the head. Rigby is a little dog and is somewhat used to getting beat up, but I guess I have Beckham-like strength in my leg because poor little Rigby let out a yelp of pain that pierced my already shredded self-confidence. I reached down and picked Rigby up with the intention of comforting her...and as I lifted her, I slammed her already-injured head into the changing table, eliciting another yelp. I tried to put her in my lap, but it should surprise no one that she immediately ran away and hid under Maddie's crib.

If you're looking for me, I'll be hiding from Child Protective Services and the ASPCA.

15 comments:

Nanette said...

Oh, goodness! I have a feeling that that's going to be me ALL THE TIME with our little girl. I'm so clumsy.

~Jess said...

I'm sorry, but that's too funny! That's about how klutzy I am.

Mom24 said...

I laughed and laughed. Sorry Maddie, sorry Rigby. We definitely have days like that here too. FYI--you will either love this or hate it, depending on your point of view. I could not do anything right with baby nail clippers. I either cut too little--why bother? Or, I cut too much and left it hurting, or god forbid, bleeding. Therefore, I started biting their nails. Just little nips to clean up the pointy parts while I rocked them. Works like a charm.

April said...

Oh, it shouldn't be funny, but it is! I have days like that, when all you want to do is crawl back into bed, under the covers, and eat yourself sick on chocolate chex!

Gemini Girl said...

heather- oh how Ive missed your blog!

You make me laugh at 9am when I am still so jet lagged and tired. cant wait to catch up on all that I missed!

Katt said...

Still...cutest.baby.girl.ever!! Even when mangled by mommy. Hehe

Yup...I've had my 'worst mommy ever' days with Kiel too. Funny how they just bounce back and keep on loving us.

Black Hockey Jesus said...

I always tell myself that these rough patches are helping them develop character.

Elizabeth said...

Aw man!? You mean I'm going to inflict my toe-stubbing ability onto my kids? Uggh!

Kristin.... said...

Oh my. Poor Maddie. Poor Rigby. Poor you! It all works out in the end though.

I hate cutting the nails. After I cut Drew twice, I turned nail duty over to Doug until the nails got harder. :)

Mike said...

Me to tell Heather right after this happened: "Move away from the baby, ma'am. And leave your hands where I can see them!"

Anna Marie said...

Ah, accidental baby carnage. Like yesterday when I was letting Emmie crawl around with my chapstick in her mouth. And she fell on her face. And cut the soft spot under her tongue. Motherhood at it's finest.

Danielle said...

Aww. Poor babies! I hate those days - when you just keep beating up the ones you love.

You must put down the baby. Put down the dog. grab a glass of wine. and retreat to your room immediately. Mom's night off!

(except this all happened yesterday, but still... same thing...)

Stefanie said...

Don't even worry, Heather. I'm pretty sure that smashing your baby in the head accidentally build their immunity! Oh wait, that's letting them eat off of the floor. Never mind.

moosh in indy. said...

No one's in the hospital but maybe someone should be.

Dana said...

You could give Casey a run for her money! This is hilarious!

P.S. Vogue is a classic! Way to go teaching it to Maddie young! ;)