Twenty Nine and Feelin' Fine

That's right, kind reader. Today, June 27th, is my birthday. It's also my brother's birthday (we're twins and NO we are NOT identical). I'm 29 years old - yes, actually 29. I've always thought 29 was a "fake age." You know, people who are turning 30 always claim they are turning 29 again. Well, not me. At least, not this year.

A year ago, on June 26th, a Perinatologist told me that my baby (you may have heard of her? Madeline?) was perfectly developed. This came on the heels of my OB telling me that I was going to miscarry. I took this picture on that day:

This was the first time I was told there was a chance I might actually get a baby out of the pregnancy. That was all I needed to hear. I latched onto the doctor's words. I was determined to believe I would have a child, and it would be from THAT pregnancy. I realize now what a complete Pollyanna I was. I remember being in the waiting room, clutching the locket that held a picture of my grandmother. I made a deal with The Powers That Be that day: Give me my baby, and I won't ask for anything else. Of course, I renegotiated that deal this week. Still, I know Mike looked at me in the waiting room, talking to The Powers That Be, and was so scared. This is going to sound so stupid, but I just knew that nothing bad would happen to me on my birthday.

I'm typing this with my little Maddie on my lap. I know I said my 'fro was the best present ever, but I lied. The hope that my daughter could possibly survive is the gift I will cherish more than anything.

So, while I am blatantly stealing this idea from Casey (who, by the way, is having an awesome contest you should enter), the sentiment is the same. What is the best thing that's happened to you lately? Jackie! and I want to hear really awesome things. Maybe you got a pedicure. Maybe you won the lottery! Or, maybe you're my friend Rage and you ate two sausages at Target Birthday. Let us hear it! I accept anonymous comments, you know (but don't be a stranger - at least sign your name!). At the very least, wish Kyle a happy birthday!!!

My birthday wish, besides Jackie!'s health, is that everyone has something happy they can latch onto, just like I had last year.

In An Instant

I've talked a bit about my friend Jackie. We met in college...I don't remember actually meeting her, though, now that I think about it. I just knew her. We spent hours procrastinating in college. She was the only other person I knew that would wait until eight hours before her paper was due to start writing (and also got As on said papers, thankyouverymuch). We lived together at the beach for years after we graduated and had many adventures, some we remember and some we don't. We would watch American Idol every week (OH Kelly Clarkson!) and roast marshmallows in our fake fireplace. She visited me in New York and taught me how to ice skate. When I was told I would miscarry Maddie, she comforted me when I cried, and when I was on bed rest she called me every day to make sure I was ok. She and her family put Maddie on every single prayer chain in the universe. She was one of my first friends to hold my little baby. She's a ball of fun, and in my mind, there is an exclamation point after her name. Jackie!

Last night I got a phone call from a different friend, the kind of phone call where you know the second you answer the phone that something is wrong. My first thought went to my pregnant friends, and I feared one of them was in premature labor. Instead she told me something completely and totally different.

Yesterday at work, Jackie had a seizure in the middle of a meeting. Tests have discovered a brain tumor. Doctors don't know if it's cancer or not. Brain tumor. I am looking at the words but they are hard to believe. She is in the hospital, and the doctors want to remove the tumor as soon as possible. Her parents cut a vacation to Sweden short to be with her. They get back tonight at seven. Once they're back, decisions will be made about treatments and surgery.

San Francisco has never felt so far away.

I don't belong to any churches or prayer groups. I'm just asking all of you to please pray/hope/send positive thoughts toward Jackie and her family. She's Hot Stuff On A Stick. My Monchichi, Cha Cha, Jack Attack, and about a billion other ridiculous names. Leave her well wishes - she reads this blog and I feel like giving her prayers is all I can do from way down here in LA.

She is the kind of friend everyone wants to be, and few are lucky enough to have.

Washing It Away

Thank you all for the kind comments, text messages, emails, tweets, and carrier pigeons. I don't have pity parties very often because, really, feeling sorry for myself is not a good use of my time, and I have too much to be thankful for. However, everyone needs to let it out every now and then.

Maddie's new amped-up Xopenex breathing treatment works wonders. After she has it, she breathes like a normal baby, not a wheeze or whistle to be heard. Of course, four hours later, that's all back, but then it's time for another breathing treatment. The diuretic is making her pee like a freaking...hmm...what is something that pees a lot? Insert that thing here. Because she's peeing a LOT. Friday morning's blood tests will determine if it's too much pee. Apparently you CAN pee too much. That reminds me of that one New Year's Eve where I got so dehydrated I didn't pee until 4:30 pm on January 1st. Man, did we celebrate when I flushed that pee down!

What the heck am I talking about?

We were worried the higher oxygen setting would be very uncomfortable and disruptive to Maddie's sleep, but it actually had the exact opposite effect. She slept like something that sleeps a lot (insert that thing here). Last night she slept from 12:30 to 6:30. Mike and I did a damn jig this morning when we realized we'd had six straight hours of sleep. Then we pushed each other over as we ran to make sure she was okay. I know every parent does that the first time their child sleeps for a long period of time.

I received a few comments and emails with questions. For example, Memphislis asked Dr. Google (who is looking for new patients, by the way) if the extra oxygen would hurt her eyes. Dr. Google is not trained in The Ophthalmology, so she deferred to Dr. Looove. Dr. Looove said that oxygen is only a detriment when eyes are developing, and Maddie's eyes are done developing. So that's good. Kailey emailed me to ask if two liters was a lot. Well, for Maddie it's a lot. The highest she's ever received was 2 1/2 liters/minute when she was in the NICU. We're hoping that two liters is only temporary.

I want to open up my comment section to any questions you all might have about Maddie. Anything from my pregnancy to her time in the NICU up to today. It's all up for grabs. I'm hoping your questions will help me keep a better record for Maddie, and also help remind me of crucial things I might have forgotten over time. I also want to make sure I'm not leaving anyone behind with my jargon. Should I have an FAQ section? Mi blog es su blog. Or something.

If you don't have any questions, feel free to tell me I'm awesome. After all, tomorrow starts my birthday week! We'll keep you all posted on the test results.

Hair Raising

When I was a little kid, I looked like this:

Look at that hair! Those were the glory days. All natural and golden blond. I don't think I could pull off bangs like that now. Mostly because, who has bangs that take up half their scalp these days? I don't know what the heck I'm doing in that picture. Probably praying I don't get dragged off by rabid dogs.





As I grew older, I made every effort to keep it that original blond color. For a while.

(sidebar - that is a New York City voting booth circa 2004. Someone please tell me they are a little more up-to-date now, and filled with far less-dorky voters.)


In my mind, even today, when I think of myself I think of that hair
color. I still check off "blond" on my driver's license. I turn my
nose up at blond jokes. But. I am not a blond anymore. My hair has slowly been getting darker. Time marched on and so did my desire to highlight my hair every eight weeks. Still, I just can't get it through my head. So when I look at pictures like these:



I think, HOLY CRAP my hair got DARK.

I need to accept my hair for what it is now, and not what it was. Which leads me to my next issue. I have an appointment to get my hair did this weekend. It's my semi-annual snip session (because who has time for quarterly cuts) and I need to do something about the mess that my hair color has become.

I don't even know what color that is up there. Is it brown? Red? Blond on the end? D, all of the above?

I've been living the last month hoping that Sarah from Hair Thursday will accost me on the street with fabulous hair tips, but alas, we have yet to run into each other. So, internet friends and real life friends (because I know you're out there), help my head get pretty. Should I go back to being blond? Accept my inner brunette? Or bring out the natural red low light thing I have going on? And furthermore, should I bring back the bangs?


Or, should I just bring this little thing in to the stylist and say, "copy?"

Paging Dr. Google

The last nine months have been steeped in enough medical drama to fuel an entire season of Grey's Anatomy story lines. And while I'm not as brooding or whiny as Meredith Grey, I AM as smart as she is. I've spent a LOT of time looking up medical info on the internet. I can spout off medical phrases with authority, and you believe that I know what I'm talking about. Just watch!

Madeline's doctors worried that she might have hyaline membrane disease, bronchopulmonary dysplasia, or children's interstitial lung disease. When she was in the NICU, her hyperbilirubinemia was treated with phototherapy. Her cardiologist feared that her patent ductus arteriosus might need surgery, but it closed with a course of indomethacin. Suspected necrotizing enterocolitis made it hard for her to gain weight.

See? You totally read that nodding your head, believing it all. And you should. Because I have an Honorary Doctorate from Google Medical University. I spent so much time looking up stuff on Google that they were like, "Hey Heather, you sure have learned a lot of stuff. Come talk at Google Medical University's commencement and we'll give you an honorary degree!" And I went up to the Googleplex and I spoke, and oh, those young doctors will never be the same.

Of course, having an honorary degree is no good unless you use it. Today, my coworker complained of a sore and tingling left arm. I didn't bother to take his medical history because Google doesn't care how old you are or how many games you just bowled. My experience practicing Google Medicine taught me that the first answer is the right answer. In this case, a sore left arm is an indicator of a heart attack. I told him as much, and ho, did we laugh and laugh when the little hypochondriac freaked out about his potential angina. Sure, he is only 29 and in great health, but Google is never wrong. I'm totally stealing his chair tomorrow when he doesn't come in.

That's just an example of one of the many people I've helped with my new honorary degree, and you can be next! Have a medical ailment? The doctor is in!

The Beauty, The Splendor, The Wonder Of My...

With my birthday a mere 23 shopping days away, I've been reflecting on some of my favorite June 27s past. Even though I apparently look like crap to everyone but gas station attendants, I am still very much looking forward to my birthday. I've had some great celebrations in the past - well, except that one where I almost got arrested - and I feel pretty lucky.

I had another blog before this one, and I did a good job of documenting my birthdays. I've had lots of fun parties, but you guys don't really give a crap about those. You should care more about the presents. I have great friends who have given me presents that are so ME it's amazing. Like the cotton candy machine Matt, Leslie, and Christi gave me. Or the water balloons and sidewalk chalk Dana gave me (we had so much fun throwing balloons off my balcony, and the cops only came a couple times). But really, one of the best presents I ever received was from my old roommate, Bella.

Some back story - I am obsessed with curly hair. I don't have it, but my brother Kyle is blessed with gorgeous curls that I have coveted for as long as I can remember. In 2003, my obsession reached a fever pitch, and I wrote about it on my blog.

My birthday is just days away
A day that's all for me.
I plan to eat and drink and skip
And maybe climb a tree.

What do I want? My friends all ask
(They're sweet to want to know).
Well, nothing too unusual:
A giant blonde afro.

I think the 'fros are glorious
All curly, thick, and high.
If I were to posses one it
Would make me supa fly.

My 'fro and I could do it all
Stop crime, kick ass, take names,
Yet still find time to grab a drink
And go dance with the dames.

So as I blow my candles out
I wish this for my mane
Please work into a 'fro for me!
The world we then will reign.

On my birthday, I came home to a large box on my bed with a card from Bella. Inside it was this:

Best. Present. Ever.

Alright, I want to hear 'em - what is the best gift you ever received*? And if you say your child or your health or something mushy like that, prepare to be mocked. I want to know the creative gift, or the really thoughtful gift, or the gift you always wanted. Do it for Mike - he needs ideas.

*Bonus points if you say something with diamonds, SLR cameras, or trips to Fiji.

The Beginning of a Beautiful Relationship

Maddie wasn't worse this morning. So that's...something. Ugh, I'm sick of worrying. Because of her varying discomforts (cough, teeth, PMS), she is not the biggest fan of eating. Mike is pretty sick of feeding her baby-bird style with a medicine dropper, although he would never admit it. We knew we had to think of something different.

Yesterday Maddie reached four months adjusted age. Dr. Looove said we could start feeding her baby food, but we'd decided we were going to wait. She'd had suspected NEC when she was in the NICU and we didn't want to rush anything. Of course, we decided this BEFORE Maddie went on a hunger strike, so today we said screw it and I bought her some baby food.


Ready for my first big girl meal!


First bite! I don't think I ordered rice cereal...


Apple Sauce! That's more like it.


I need a breather!


Dad, is it an airplane or a spoon? Get your story straight and get back to me.


Rigby actually likes me!


I told Rigby I won't eat her food if she won't eat mine.


All done! And now my face is clean. Thanks Rigby!

I don't know who liked solids more, Rigby or Maddie. She really despised the rice cereal. I don't know if she didn't like the texture or the taste. We would have put solids on the back burner if apple sauce hadn't been a success, so I'm glad I got the apple on a lark.

We only plan on feeding her food once a day until we think she's really getting a full meal out of it. Any flavor suggestions out there? Don't worry, the dog will eat anything.

The Great Teething Test

As soon as Maddie's pediatrician (looooove) said it was okay to give Maddie Baby Motrin, I ran to the store to purchase all of your teething suggestions. I was surprised that I couldn't find ANY of the homeopathic teething tablets. Of course, I only went to one store, but I figured that since this is California, we'd have all that healthy stuff everywhere. Apparently the Ralph's by our house doesn't believe in that stuff. Alas.

Mike and I put together a four point rating system to determine what was the best remedy. We're very scientific. The first point was ease of use - was it easy for us or Madeline? Second, did the crying get better or get worse? Third, did the remedy amuse us, giving us a ray of sunshine amid the screams of pain? And finally, could Mike and I be arrested for implementing this remedy? Armed with our system and our instruments of relief, we put them to the test.

The first thing we tried was a washcloth, as suggested by Memphislis, Danielle, Jill, and Baby B. We froze one end, wet another end, and left the rest dry. She definitely chewed on the washcloth, but only when we were forcing it into her mouth. Her crying quieted briefly, but then started back with a vengeance. However, with the washcloth in her mouth, it sounded like she was crying through a pillow. Funny! We'd probably get arrested if she smothered on it, though. Less funny.

Danielle also suggested letting her chew on a baby toothbrush. This one was easy for her to grab onto and put in her mouth. The problem was she was too busy smacking herself in the face with it. Then she hit herself in the eye, and you know what they say about fun and games and eyes. Needless to say, the crying did not get better, and while watching Maddie wield a toothbrush like a tiny sword was funny, we're pretty sure we'd get arrested if we allowed her to poke her eye out.

Casey said she used to give her daughter cold metal spoons to gnaw on. Luckily we have some of those laying around, so we froze one and gave it to Maddie. It was easy for her to use and she loved it. Unfortunately, it lost the coldness pretty fast, and then she had no use for it, flinging it aside like trash. Since we used a serving spoon, sometimes her tongue would poke through the holes. Funny. We wouldn't get arrested for this one, either!

Bridgetsuggested we give Maddie a pickle to chew on. She also said they got funny pictures of her kids chewing on pickles. We like funny! So we tried it. Maddie was NOT having it. The second Mike put the tiny gherkin in her mouth, she yanked her head away. The look of disgust on her face was priceless. We wouldn't get arrested for this one, but I think Maddie would call the police on us if we made her eat a pickle again.

SP said a peeled carrot is a good gnawing option. It might have been, if we hadn't just given her a pickle. I think the pickle was where we started to lose her trust. She didn't like the way the carrot tasted. Good for her, I hate carrots, too.

I ran into a problem when I was looking for the mini bagels suggested by Mom24 and Val - I couldn't find any. I asked the guy at Ralph's, and he said, "what are mini bagels?" Jeez Louise. I improvised and bought the smallest bag of bagels I could find, and froze them. I tried to get Maddie to gnaw on it, but she looked at me like I was mental. This is where I completely lost Maddie's trust.

Just Me said peas or popsicles (or as I call them, Popstickles) worked for her kids, so I was all ready to go with those. Then Mike pointed out that Maddie has the hand-eye coordination of a drunk chicken, and maybe we didn't want to do anything overly messy. So she got everything in the package.

She liked sucking on the wrapped popsicle, but it had the same weapon potential as the toothbrush. After she hit herself in her other eye I had to take it away from her, and that didn't make her happy.

Jess, Gemini Girl, Jill, and London2434 all suggested booze. Yeah, we didn't exactly try that one. We probably would have, if we hadn't consumed all the booze in the house during the CRYYYYYYYYYING. Note to others, a crying baby does not make a hangover feel better. Also, Mike said this picture is child abuse.

The most popular suggestion (Bec, Mom24, All Saints, Kristin, Danielle, Jen B, Jody, and Jill) was Motrin or Ibuprofen. At Kristin's suggestion, we called Dr. Loooove to make sure it was okay to give it to Maddie. We still tried all the other suggestions, because friends, drugs are not always the answer. Except in this case. Look how happy she is!

Drugs were the hands-down winner.

I am still determined to try the homeopathic tablets suggested by Shauna, Casey, All Saints, Danielle, Just Me, and Holli. I just have to find the time to, you know, look.

Seriously, thanks to everyone who left comments with suggestions! It was great to hear from so many people.

Tomorrow, really, I will let you know about her appointment with Dr. Lung. I swear.

Some Teething Wisdom

Maddie is, quite seriously, one of the toughest people I know. She's had some insanely painful procedures in her short life, but she still has a smile on her face. It blows our minds how she can have an IV placed but still be happy. I mean really, would anyone blame her if she was a moody, sullen girl? We'd be all, "Maddie, smile!" and she'd point to her chest and say, "Um, HELLO, will you PLEASE look at my CHEST TUBE SCARS and shut up?!" Thank goodness she has a sweet disposition...and can't talk yet.

So, you can imagine how jarring the adjustment to the new "teething Maddie" has been for us. This morning she woke up screaming. The whimpering has been constant, and the crying, OH the crying. Maddie has this certain sob that, before the last few days, we'd only heard a couple other times. She will weep until she runs out of air, and then she's just gasping and wheezing like a chain smoker. It would almost be funny it wasn't, you know, caused by tremendous pain.

We can't stand to see her like this! We know that the discomfort she feels must be severe to have made our smiley girl vanish. She normally laughs in the face of pain! So, Internets, we are asking you for help. We need teething remedies. We've tried Tylenol and Orajel, ice cold formula and frozen bottle nipples. What worked for your babies? If you don't have kids, call your mom and ask her what she did when YOU were teething. We will try ANYTHING. We just don't want to see her suffer anymore!

And also, we are so very tired.