Paging Dr. Google

The last nine months have been steeped in enough medical drama to fuel an entire season of Grey's Anatomy story lines. And while I'm not as brooding or whiny as Meredith Grey, I AM as smart as she is. I've spent a LOT of time looking up medical info on the internet. I can spout off medical phrases with authority, and you believe that I know what I'm talking about. Just watch!

Madeline's doctors worried that she might have hyaline membrane disease, bronchopulmonary dysplasia, or children's interstitial lung disease. When she was in the NICU, her hyperbilirubinemia was treated with phototherapy. Her cardiologist feared that her patent ductus arteriosus might need surgery, but it closed with a course of indomethacin. Suspected necrotizing enterocolitis made it hard for her to gain weight.

See? You totally read that nodding your head, believing it all. And you should. Because I have an Honorary Doctorate from Google Medical University. I spent so much time looking up stuff on Google that they were like, "Hey Heather, you sure have learned a lot of stuff. Come talk at Google Medical University's commencement and we'll give you an honorary degree!" And I went up to the Googleplex and I spoke, and oh, those young doctors will never be the same.

Of course, having an honorary degree is no good unless you use it. Today, my coworker complained of a sore and tingling left arm. I didn't bother to take his medical history because Google doesn't care how old you are or how many games you just bowled. My experience practicing Google Medicine taught me that the first answer is the right answer. In this case, a sore left arm is an indicator of a heart attack. I told him as much, and ho, did we laugh and laugh when the little hypochondriac freaked out about his potential angina. Sure, he is only 29 and in great health, but Google is never wrong. I'm totally stealing his chair tomorrow when he doesn't come in.

That's just an example of one of the many people I've helped with my new honorary degree, and you can be next! Have a medical ailment? The doctor is in!


Mike said...

Dear Dr. Google:

I have a "friend" who is wondering if it is indeed as dangerous for a man to have a beer belly as they say. My friend's wife claims she likes his belly and doesn't want him to change, but maybe he will if it really is that bad for you. Wonders my friend. Not me.


Mike (on behalf of a friend...not your husband)

Black Hockey Jesus said...

I have a shanker.

I think "shanker" is one of the funniest words in the history of language.

And as for Grey's, I'm a Yang man. Yang makes me swoon. My wife says she looks like a horse but she's just jealous of Yang's swoon factor.

katrin said...

You are so right. I remember when my daughter had eye problems as a newborn about ten years ago and I tried to get information about her strabismus on line -- all I could access was impossible-to-read medical journals that got me more confused than enlightened. How things have changed!

I just published a book (Mothers Need Time Outs, Too, McGraw-Hill)and one of the topics we tackle is how mom has to be everything to everyone. That includes being the family doctor. It's moms who makes most of the appointments, guesses as to the cause of ailments, and yes, hangs out on Google desperately trying to figure out why little Annie's got a headache every day.

No wonder modern moms are stressed out!


Shauna said...

I think I used google solely to give myself panic attacks when Lucy was a newborn. When you have a 3 pounder, looking up "preemie infection" is always good for a laugh. I usually hopped on Google while hooked to ye ol' breastpump, and boy howdy, are they right when they tell you stress makes getting milk really difficult.

Amy said...

My husband won't let me google medical ailments any longer....neither will my dr.!!

Anonymous said...

dr. goooooogle,

what exactly is a shpilkes in your geneckteckessoink?

i'll think about ralph fiennes not being spelled either rafe or fines while I wait for your answer.


Bec said...

Dude! I totally understood that! lol

Erin has/had HMD and CLD. She spent two days under lights for jaundice and her PDA was treated with two rounds of the indo but failed to close. Actually it's still open causing her second beat to be less "sharp" then the first. We were REALLY lucky to miss out on NEC but I still had to run our garbage bin across the street because I forgot to put it out this morning.

Long live GU!

Kellee said...

Well, Heather, I have an awesome idea. I've been convinced for some time now that my medical knowledge is adequate enough to be a doctor as well. I've gleaned many a tidbit from my daily dose of ER. I work mostly from home, so I get two hours a day, 5 days a week. I think we should join forces and open our own practice! What do you say? I think it's a brilliant idea, personally. :)

moosh in indy. said...

I'm good. Google already said my headache was a brain tumor. *PHEW!* I thought it might be caffeine or something.

Dana said...

I think it's hilarious when people ask me medical questions.

Me: Ya, I think it's cancer.

How the heck am I supposed to know?!